Problems with Assuming

Communication is one of the most amazing things we have for understanding each other. Everything we do, say, or don't say is a form of communication. I think it would be an accurate statement to say that we never stop communicating. The problem with there being both verbal and non-verbals ways to communicate is that not everyone interprets messages the same. Communication varies by culture, gender, relgion, families, and individuals. What happens in communication is that we all have some sort of attached meaning to different verbals and nonverbals based on our prior experience with those interactions and from those interactions we derive a certain meaning. One very important thing we must understand is that not everyone shares our same meaning behind certain words or body languages. When we assume that people do share the same meaning as us then we begin to draw conclusions and make assumptions about what another person is trying to say to us. This type of miscommunication can produce a lot of confusion and damage if we are not careful. It is better to assume people have good intentions while interacting with us rather than to assume the worst. If we do think someone is conveying a certain message we are unhappy or unsure about we can always clarify with them to make sure we are interpretting them correctly. There are times we will need to make sure we clarify messages to make sure that people on both ends of the communication interaction are on the same wave length especially if those people are not interacting face to face. It has been said that 14% of communication come from words, 35% from tone, and 51% from nonverbal means. Isn't that interesting?! That 86% of our communication is non-verbal! With that in mind, when we talk to people on the phone we are losing out on 51% of the message, when we text others we lose out on 86% and even when we are face to face our different interpretations of words, tone, and nonverbals, allow us to lose out on a certain amount of the meaning of someone's message as well if we interpret them differently than how they were ment.

It is important that we all try to improve our communication both by trying to more accuratly portray what we mean and not trying to have others assume the correct meaning as well as giving others the benefit of the doubt and seeking to clarify their meaning if we are confused or unsure to make sure there is a better communication occuring.

STRESS

When in conflict remember ABC-X.

Actual event
Behavioral response
Cognitions
________________
Total eXperience

A- What actually happend? What was the event or incident that spurred a conflict?
B- What did people physically do in reaction to the "event" to show how they felt about what happend?
C- What are people thinking/ feeling in regaurds to what happend? This is difficult to identify sometimes because cognitions occur within one's head but sometimes we can attempt to identify their feelings based on what they say.

AB and C all lead up to the total eXperience of the stressful situation. In order to understand the situation a little more clearly and to find out why people may be stressing out or developing conflict we need to understand WHAT happend, HOW people reacted, and HOW they are internalizing what happend. Being able to understand WHY people feel the way they do is helpful for being able to recognize and resolve the problem.

Sex Before Marriage

It is important to understand what types of things cause you to become aroused. Our bodies have been created in such a way that when we are aroused our bodies naturally want to proceed into sexual intimacy.  Therefor, keeping ourselves protected from arousal is the best way to prevent premarital sexual relations.
Our most important sex organ is the brain, which allows us to know when certain physical contact is going too far and we are becoming aroused. By recognizing that we are being aroused we can tell ourselves that this is a time to walk away or stop the interaction. Doing this will allow us to create and maintain a chase life which we will use even after marriage. Being chase allows us to think clean thoughts and maintain virture in our lives.

STRESS in Family Life

6/13/12

Taking responsibilities for how we act in stressful times---We all have stress in our lives, some of those stress causing factors are things we can control and others we can't. Yet, no matter what the situation or circumstance there is always one thing we can control, our attitude and behavior. If we blame our actions and thoughts on others or things that are happening then we are denying responsibility for our actions and not understanding that we all have our own agency to behave how we will and we must accept the responsibilities for those actions which may be the difference between being happy and not.

Part of being able to control our own emotions means not allowing others to influence our moods. It is often the case that people handle different situations in different ways. Some people laugh when they're stressed cause they don't know how to act, others get really angry as a way to mask what they're really feeling, while others internalize everything and battle out their frustrations in their minds while "acting happy" all along so that people don't catch on to their frustrations. Knowing this is helpful because it means that there is often an underlying reason behind people's actions. And if we are wise we will give people the benefit of the doubt for what may be perceived as rude behavior....maybe they're having a bad day, I wonder if they are feeling okay today?, They must be feeling stressed. If we adopt these thoughts instead of: they're rude, gosh they're angry today, Why are they treating me this way? By doing this we can separate ourselves from others emotions and we don't have to think of that person's emotions as linked to ours, instead we can help them.

Types of affairs

How does infidelity in marriage or dating occur? There are four different types of affairs people experience that draw them away from their loved one.

                                                Emotional                                           Physical

Detached                            fantasy                                                    visual

Attached                             romantic                                              sexual

There are emotional connections we make with others as well as physical ones and with each of these they can either be attached or detached connections. Yes, it is possible to have an affair in your mind. "Thought is the Father of action" and if your thoughts are far from your spouse you have already cheated on them in your mind.

R.A.M

RAM- Relationship Attachment Model

This is a model that should be considered when dating......

Know      Trust      Rely      Commit      Touch
-------      -------     -------     ----------     ---------
-------      -------     -------     ----------     ---------
-------      -------     -------     ----------     ---------
-------      -------     -------     ----------     ---------
-------      -------     -------     ----------     ---------
-------      -------     -------     ----------     ---------
Imagine each one of these categories have their own scale. The order of each categorie  is very important. When we enter into a relationship we should aim first and formost to know who that person is. After we have developed a certain level of "knowing" we can begin to trust them. after we trust them for a time we can then begin to rely on them for certain things. After some time has past and we can rely on that person we begin to increase our level of commitment towards that person and once we have commitment to that person we can introduce physical touch. This model makes perfect sense- why would you ever want to trust someone more than you know them or rely on them when you haven't established any trust? so it makes sense that we follow this pattern of obtaining these attributes in our relationships before moving on. Each privious category should always be higher than the preoceeding one. The one thing that seems to be the most frustrating about this model is that touch is the last. It isn't very desireable/ easy to hold off on physical touch and intimacy because there is something inside us that is naturally drawn to do those things. BUT what benefits are there for postponing touch in a relationship? One of the biggest ones I have experienced is that it confuses your feelings of arousal with your feelings of love. It's easy to say we love someone when we have a good physical connection with them but that means nothing unless you are able to form a solid relationship with them as well. The best time to begin the basis of creating a solid relationship is from the very beginning. Have you ever heard the saying "what happens fast ends fast?" I think we all have personal experience with that one. There are benefits that we can have if we learn to postpone kissing and other intimate physical touch. Not only will we form a better connection and trust with that person but when we finally do ad physical touch to the relationship it will mean so much more and will draw they two of you closer together than just being something you like to do just because it "feels good".

Know Trust Rely Commit Touch
------- ------- ------- ---------- ---------
------- ------- ------- ---------- ---------
--X----- ------- ------- ---------- ---------
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------- ---X---- ------- ---------- ---------
------- ------- ----X--- ----X------ ----X-----

LOVE, Love, love

What are the different classifications of love?



Agape: this goes beyond just your feelings for a person and is thought of more as "Godly love", unconditional, and unchanging.



Eros: Romantic love, involving passion, emotion and sex.



Storge: The love between a parent and a child, free and unconditional



Philia: friendship/ brotherly love.



Obviously, each of these types of love are very good and desirable, but which type of love do you want in your future spouse? Answer: ALL OF THEM! Having all types of love within your marriage provides you with a fuller, more complete love, encompassing a wider spectrum of care and support than just one or two types of love could supply. Also, being able to have multiple types of love for a person makes it easier to stay with them. Having only one of these types of love makes falling out of love so much easier because they don’t have a significant amount of love bonding them together. Perhaps this is a reason we are seeing people getting more divorces these days, because they marry on the basis of an Eros love which, while it is very important to have in your marriage, if it is based solely on that then when Eros loves begins to die out you will have nothing left to keep the two of you together.



In order to form all these types of love with your spouse or future spouse you must understand that it doesn’t come naturally. Love is an active process, one which you need to constantly be working on and nurturing. When you cease to work towards/ for love you cease to have it.