understading your teen better

All teenagers share 5 major goals:

1. Becoming
2. Power
3. Protection
4. Withdrawal
5. Challenge

These goals can be achieved in both negative and positive ways. It is our goals as parents to try to prevent bad things from happening with these 5 steps of prevention:

1. Identify potential problems and risks
2. Share your thoughts and feelings and awknowledge teen's thoughts and feelings
3. Generate guidelines through brainstorming and agree on guidelines through negotiation
4. Decide on logical consequences for violations
5. Follow up later

"TO TEACH IS TO EMPOWER"

1. Motivate your teen to learn something new
2. Find a time that works for both of you
3. Break skill down into smaller steps
4. Demonstrate the skill
5. Let the teen try
6. Encourage, encourage, encourage!!!
7. Work or play together

By teaching your child to learn new things, new doors open up to them and they can discover ways of achieving their major goals in positive ways.

communicating effectively with a teenager

When communicating with others we need to make sure that we are using “I” Messages. An “I” Message is when you state things in terms of how YOU think/feel about a situation and not what someone else is thinking. For example if someone has just made a huge mess in the kitchen you may be tempted to say, “You’re so messy! You need to clean this mess up right now. You don’t care about others, do you?!” there’s a lot of “you’s” in that sentence. Instead you could say something like, “I have a problem with this mess. I have a problem because it makes it hard for me to get things done in here. I would like it if you could please clean it up right now.” This way you are owning that problem. You have a problem with the mess and want it gone and so you are expressing your grievances about the mess instead of about the person who made the mess.

Effective communication with teen also includes these 5 basic steps:

1-      Listen actively (don’t let it affect you personally but try to listen to what they are saying so you can figure out their problem).

2-      Respond to feelings- verbal and non-verbal ques.

3-      Look for alternatives/ evaluate consequences (make sure if there is a consequence for your child’s actions it is a logical one and fits the action to which they are being punished for).

4-      Offer encouragement (expressing confidence in a teen empowers them with the power to make the right choices).

5-      Follow up later – this shows your teen you care enough to remember things going on in their life and you really want to help them overcome their struggle.

Problems with Assuming

Communication is one of the most amazing things we have for understanding each other. Everything we do, say, or don't say is a form of communication. I think it would be an accurate statement to say that we never stop communicating. The problem with there being both verbal and non-verbals ways to communicate is that not everyone interprets messages the same. Communication varies by culture, gender, relgion, families, and individuals. What happens in communication is that we all have some sort of attached meaning to different verbals and nonverbals based on our prior experience with those interactions and from those interactions we derive a certain meaning. One very important thing we must understand is that not everyone shares our same meaning behind certain words or body languages. When we assume that people do share the same meaning as us then we begin to draw conclusions and make assumptions about what another person is trying to say to us. This type of miscommunication can produce a lot of confusion and damage if we are not careful. It is better to assume people have good intentions while interacting with us rather than to assume the worst. If we do think someone is conveying a certain message we are unhappy or unsure about we can always clarify with them to make sure we are interpretting them correctly. There are times we will need to make sure we clarify messages to make sure that people on both ends of the communication interaction are on the same wave length especially if those people are not interacting face to face. It has been said that 14% of communication come from words, 35% from tone, and 51% from nonverbal means. Isn't that interesting?! That 86% of our communication is non-verbal! With that in mind, when we talk to people on the phone we are losing out on 51% of the message, when we text others we lose out on 86% and even when we are face to face our different interpretations of words, tone, and nonverbals, allow us to lose out on a certain amount of the meaning of someone's message as well if we interpret them differently than how they were ment.

It is important that we all try to improve our communication both by trying to more accuratly portray what we mean and not trying to have others assume the correct meaning as well as giving others the benefit of the doubt and seeking to clarify their meaning if we are confused or unsure to make sure there is a better communication occuring.

STRESS

When in conflict remember ABC-X.

Actual event
Behavioral response
Cognitions
________________
Total eXperience

A- What actually happend? What was the event or incident that spurred a conflict?
B- What did people physically do in reaction to the "event" to show how they felt about what happend?
C- What are people thinking/ feeling in regaurds to what happend? This is difficult to identify sometimes because cognitions occur within one's head but sometimes we can attempt to identify their feelings based on what they say.

AB and C all lead up to the total eXperience of the stressful situation. In order to understand the situation a little more clearly and to find out why people may be stressing out or developing conflict we need to understand WHAT happend, HOW people reacted, and HOW they are internalizing what happend. Being able to understand WHY people feel the way they do is helpful for being able to recognize and resolve the problem.

Sex Before Marriage

It is important to understand what types of things cause you to become aroused. Our bodies have been created in such a way that when we are aroused our bodies naturally want to proceed into sexual intimacy.  Therefor, keeping ourselves protected from arousal is the best way to prevent premarital sexual relations.
Our most important sex organ is the brain, which allows us to know when certain physical contact is going too far and we are becoming aroused. By recognizing that we are being aroused we can tell ourselves that this is a time to walk away or stop the interaction. Doing this will allow us to create and maintain a chase life which we will use even after marriage. Being chase allows us to think clean thoughts and maintain virture in our lives.

STRESS in Family Life

6/13/12

Taking responsibilities for how we act in stressful times---We all have stress in our lives, some of those stress causing factors are things we can control and others we can't. Yet, no matter what the situation or circumstance there is always one thing we can control, our attitude and behavior. If we blame our actions and thoughts on others or things that are happening then we are denying responsibility for our actions and not understanding that we all have our own agency to behave how we will and we must accept the responsibilities for those actions which may be the difference between being happy and not.

Part of being able to control our own emotions means not allowing others to influence our moods. It is often the case that people handle different situations in different ways. Some people laugh when they're stressed cause they don't know how to act, others get really angry as a way to mask what they're really feeling, while others internalize everything and battle out their frustrations in their minds while "acting happy" all along so that people don't catch on to their frustrations. Knowing this is helpful because it means that there is often an underlying reason behind people's actions. And if we are wise we will give people the benefit of the doubt for what may be perceived as rude behavior....maybe they're having a bad day, I wonder if they are feeling okay today?, They must be feeling stressed. If we adopt these thoughts instead of: they're rude, gosh they're angry today, Why are they treating me this way? By doing this we can separate ourselves from others emotions and we don't have to think of that person's emotions as linked to ours, instead we can help them.

Types of affairs

How does infidelity in marriage or dating occur? There are four different types of affairs people experience that draw them away from their loved one.

                                                Emotional                                           Physical

Detached                            fantasy                                                    visual

Attached                             romantic                                              sexual

There are emotional connections we make with others as well as physical ones and with each of these they can either be attached or detached connections. Yes, it is possible to have an affair in your mind. "Thought is the Father of action" and if your thoughts are far from your spouse you have already cheated on them in your mind.

R.A.M

RAM- Relationship Attachment Model

This is a model that should be considered when dating......

Know      Trust      Rely      Commit      Touch
-------      -------     -------     ----------     ---------
-------      -------     -------     ----------     ---------
-------      -------     -------     ----------     ---------
-------      -------     -------     ----------     ---------
-------      -------     -------     ----------     ---------
-------      -------     -------     ----------     ---------
Imagine each one of these categories have their own scale. The order of each categorie  is very important. When we enter into a relationship we should aim first and formost to know who that person is. After we have developed a certain level of "knowing" we can begin to trust them. after we trust them for a time we can then begin to rely on them for certain things. After some time has past and we can rely on that person we begin to increase our level of commitment towards that person and once we have commitment to that person we can introduce physical touch. This model makes perfect sense- why would you ever want to trust someone more than you know them or rely on them when you haven't established any trust? so it makes sense that we follow this pattern of obtaining these attributes in our relationships before moving on. Each privious category should always be higher than the preoceeding one. The one thing that seems to be the most frustrating about this model is that touch is the last. It isn't very desireable/ easy to hold off on physical touch and intimacy because there is something inside us that is naturally drawn to do those things. BUT what benefits are there for postponing touch in a relationship? One of the biggest ones I have experienced is that it confuses your feelings of arousal with your feelings of love. It's easy to say we love someone when we have a good physical connection with them but that means nothing unless you are able to form a solid relationship with them as well. The best time to begin the basis of creating a solid relationship is from the very beginning. Have you ever heard the saying "what happens fast ends fast?" I think we all have personal experience with that one. There are benefits that we can have if we learn to postpone kissing and other intimate physical touch. Not only will we form a better connection and trust with that person but when we finally do ad physical touch to the relationship it will mean so much more and will draw they two of you closer together than just being something you like to do just because it "feels good".

Know Trust Rely Commit Touch
------- ------- ------- ---------- ---------
------- ------- ------- ---------- ---------
--X----- ------- ------- ---------- ---------
------- ------- ------- ---------- ---------
------- ---X---- ------- ---------- ---------
------- ------- ----X--- ----X------ ----X-----

LOVE, Love, love

What are the different classifications of love?



Agape: this goes beyond just your feelings for a person and is thought of more as "Godly love", unconditional, and unchanging.



Eros: Romantic love, involving passion, emotion and sex.



Storge: The love between a parent and a child, free and unconditional



Philia: friendship/ brotherly love.



Obviously, each of these types of love are very good and desirable, but which type of love do you want in your future spouse? Answer: ALL OF THEM! Having all types of love within your marriage provides you with a fuller, more complete love, encompassing a wider spectrum of care and support than just one or two types of love could supply. Also, being able to have multiple types of love for a person makes it easier to stay with them. Having only one of these types of love makes falling out of love so much easier because they don’t have a significant amount of love bonding them together. Perhaps this is a reason we are seeing people getting more divorces these days, because they marry on the basis of an Eros love which, while it is very important to have in your marriage, if it is based solely on that then when Eros loves begins to die out you will have nothing left to keep the two of you together.



In order to form all these types of love with your spouse or future spouse you must understand that it doesn’t come naturally. Love is an active process, one which you need to constantly be working on and nurturing. When you cease to work towards/ for love you cease to have it.

Gender tendencies and homosexual misinterpretations

What kinds of gender tendencies do we see in males and females?

Males might include:

Aggressive behavior

Spatial orientation

Competitive

Task oriented

Females might include:

Passive

Cooperative

Detail oriented

Landmark oriented

Nurturing

We recognize each of these behaviors as ones that are generally associated with that gender. From this we can acknowledge that men and women are each blessed with different strengths. The purpose of us having different strengths from one another is so that we can come together, male and female, and be complete.

There are a few things to consider in terms of gender tendencies….. Did those tendencies come as a result of birth or a result of nurture? Studies show over and over again that many of these tendencies are a result from nature. Girls are more naturally inclined to behave more gentle and nurturing while boys are more naturally inclined to be more aggressive and competitive. Because we not only believe in these naturally tendencies but we have seen them proven to be so whether raising our own children or interacting with young children these tendencies do in fact exist. However, there are always children who seem to be, as we would say “different” because do not follow these typical gender tendencies and instead possess many characteristics for the opposite gender. A little girl who likes cars and trucks and rolls around in the dirt is a cute, energetic tom boy but a little boy who plays with dolls, enjoys dressing up and wearing necklaces, and having tea parties is considered wrong and “different”. Why is it okay that girls can take on male typical roles and be fine while boys who take on female typical roles are not accepted at all? Is it really wrong that boys act gentle and like playing with girl intended toys? NO! Of course not! Possessing sensitive and nurturing qualities should never be something to be ashamed of. Do parents really believe that by embracing these characteristics their boys will turn out to be gay? We should never discourage gentleness, kindness, and playing. Every child is different and just because some boys prefer dolls to trucks is no reason to go reading into what that may mean. Some parents have gone over the top to believe that a doll at age 3 accounts to changing the gender orientation of their child. WHAT THE HECK?! Let the boys play with the dolls and the girls play with the trucks but why would we ever want to change the gender identity of a child. We need to stop trying to stop trying to justify behaviors and changing people we need to EMBRACE the gifts and identity that we have been given. Born a boy? Be proud to be a boy. Born a girl? Be proud to be a girl! Am I wrong?!

Family Systems:

Today I want to talk about what systems theory tells us about families. What is systems theory, you might ask? Systems theory is the idea that the family is made up of individual parts that work together as a whole to accomplish something much greater. Each of those pieces that make up the “whole” has a role, rules, and boundaries. Some roles might include mother, father, son, daughter, caregiver, disciplinary, nurturer, fun person, peacemaker, fighter, etc. we take on these roles based on our interactions with our family. Sometimes these roles are chosen and other times they are assigned by others. We can change our roles in the family if we want but it is not easy. When one person’s role in the family changes the rest of the group is affected and has to change to adapt to the change.

Rules that are in a family are often created do to tradition from the parent’s families or habits that have formed within that individual family. Rules are created through families by reinforcement of behavior. When you do something contrary to the family rules you are punished and when you adhere to the rules you are rewarded. Many families have unspoken rules which you learn through the reinforcement of behavior from other family members and eventually those rules just become natural to you and go without saying. An example of this might be the last person to bed turns off the lights….when you are the last person to go to bed and you turn off the lights nothing happens in the morning BUT if you don’t turn off the lights in the morning whoever wakes up first will yell at you for not turning off the lights before you went to bed… this is a reinforcement of behavior and teaches that person that a household rule is to always turn off the lights before going to bed.

Boundaries in a family are generally pretty easy to figure out depending on your relationship with that person. A bad or unstable relationship would be considered to have rigid or unclear boundary (based on the type of conflict of relationship between the two people involved) a good relationship would be considered as having a clear boundary.

Family culture: this is the natural behavior of the family. If we do not have an active plan for determining how to handle certain situations then we will always revert back to the ways that we know for how to deal with things. This would include how our parents handled things while we were growing up or how we handled things in past relationships. Many times people encounter “cycles” that occur in the family- meaning that if we were raised in a verbally abusive family then we will often raise a family in verbal abuse because that is the only way we know how to communicate. We have to break this cycle by actively changing ourselves and determining before we become parents the type of parents that we want to be. It often takes 3-4 generations to break a cycle like this because it’s really hard to change when you grew up in a certain way, you have to adopt a whole new approach to dealing with problems.

In today’s world we are constantly being bombarded with negative messages regarding family life. “It isn’t worth it”, “there’s no point”, “marriage isn’t important”, “you don’t have to be married to have kids”, “non-traditional families are better than traditional families”, “marriage is no longer sacred”, “marriage is no longer between a man and a woman.” These, along with many other messages that are constantly being advertised to people of today’s society are demeaning the sanctity of marriage.

So why are all these negative messages being sent out into society? Why is marriage not very important to today’s generation? Well it isn’t any wonder that the youth of today aren’t excited to get married considering what the media is advertising as “acceptable human behavior”.  It is no surprise when we see couples “hooking up” in one-night stands, moving in together when things get “serious”, having children on accident and either getting married or breaking up because of it, and getting a divorce as soon as things start to get difficult or are no longer “fun” anymore.  Some recent trends in our society that marks a great decline in marriage and relationships include the following: secular beliefs that having more children destroys families, drop in fertility rate, more women entering the workforce- delaying motherhood or reassigning responsibility to other institutes, increase in cohabitating couples and single mothers, decline in marriage rates, etc. To put it bluntly, less people are getting married, and if they are getting married they aren’t getting married until later, and not having many kids when they do. Children deserve more. The world deserves more. We deserve more.

Insights learned from class 4/23/12

What is marriage?  
  When asked why most people get married they first thing they say is, "we fell in love" but what exactly do they mean when they say love? Often times the first thing we think of is romantic love, but marriage isn't just about "romantic love". We can define romantic love as  physical attraction and infatuation. Some people seem to think that if you are not "obsessed" with someone then you must not really like them. In reality, being obsessed is not actually a good thing and can cause some problems in a relationship. True love, however, involves people that are not dependent on one another but choose to be together because they want to. And it is though this intentional choice that they can become one together and grow as a couple because they desire to, not because their emotions and hormones force them to. So what is there besides romantic love that keeps people together? Understanding who that person is BEFORE you marry them, sharing the same morals and standards, making and keeping goals together as a couple, and of course there has to be "deeper" love, aka true love. Hollywood has distorted what people perceive as real love in today's world. people think that if you aren't living together or doing immoral things you cannot be in love with that person. The definition for true love would be an unconditional state of loving your partner, where you are devoted to cherish, care, respect, trust and serve them. A marriage based solely on romantic love will dwindle and fall while a marriage that combines both romantic and true love can, with hard work, can blossom into something beautiful.
   Now that we know that marriage should be made up of a couple committed to true love not just romantic love, it is important to understand some myths associated with marriage. 1st- people believe that a happy marriage is one that is free from argument or conflict. this is false. being in a relationship you are bound to disagree on several things over the course of your life together, but positive and effective communication can allow you to get through those conflicts and actually draw you closer to your partner. 2nd- opposites attract. this brings me back to the "romantic love" just because you are infatuated with a person does NOT mean that you will have a lasting marriage. it is important to make sure that the person you marry carries similar values and interests as you. if not, what seems charming and new may become a very large irritant in the future.

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